Soulful Detox

I walked into 2019 thinking “now THIS is definitely gonna be my year!” I was super excited, optimistic, and confident that all my hard work would finally pay off, I would finally see the meaning behind all my endless years of suffering, and I would finally be rewarded with true love and success…finally!! Aaaaaaaand here we are, 2 days before 2020, and to say the least, 2019 was probably the most painful year yet. In reflecting on the hundreds of painful lessons learned, I boiled them all down to FIVE, and here they are:

LESSON 1: Social Media and Your Mental Health:

Social media can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how you use it. Using it mindlessly, I found it usually left me feeling empty, even lonely. By being selective of who and what I follow, I’m able to make sure that the time I spend on social media feeds my soul and makes me feel more connected to those I care about and the world. All that power was literally in the palm of my hands and no one else’s.

LESSON #2: Investing in Myself (It Started With My Integrity)

First, I define integrity. It’s a complex concept, but it all boils down to living consistently and as honestly as possible to our values and beliefs. Our integrity is our most prized possession because our life satisfaction, happiness and internal peace all depend on our integrity.

Do NOT sacrifice your integrity for anyone.
Nothing and no one is worth losing your integrity.
Take all the time you want
to process what needs processing
but do NOT let anyone take away your integrity.

I used to be a walking doormat. I used to react to people’s attitudes and behaviors flushing my integrity down the toilet. I was equally as guilty of questionable integrity as those I blamed. So, how do we strengthen our integrity? First, you gotta know who you are and what you stand for. That requires self-honesty. You must embrace and acknowledge who you really are (the parts you don’t want to admit to, the parts you want to change, and the parts you try to hide from everyone, including yourself). You can’t go forward without that. So take some time to sit down with yourself, just BE with yourself, and get to know that person, just like you would with anyone else.

If you don’t think you’re worth
taking the time to
sit down with and REALLY getting to know,
then why would anyone else want to??

Investing in yourself is the best and most profitable investment you will ever make. There are tons of ways to do that, but the investments that make the most impact are the ones that last. Investing in makeup, botox, and bigger boobs aren’t going to change who you are to your core… Invest in your physical and mental health. Invest in your education. Invest in the things that last.

But in this process, I had to remind myself to go easy on myself. We’ll never be perfect. There will always be a gap between who are are and who we aspire to be. It’s a life process. No one has their shit together. We are all one f*ing mess just trying to pick up the pieces of our sh*t show life. Some of us are better at it than others, but none of us have our sh*t together. So in the process of being kind and understanding toward yourself, be kind and understanding to others. Pick your favorite shit show, buckle in, and ride with it.

Note: there are things you DO need to be hard on yourself about: shaving, showering, brushing your teeth, making your bed, cleaning your house, getting dressed up… all these things are for you. Don’t NOT shave or shower just because you aren’t going to be around people. Don’t live in filth because no one is coming over. Good habits remind you of your worth. They also make you feel like you got your sh*t together which can come in handy when sh*t inevitably hits the fan. At least you look and smell nice and your bed is made and your house is clean… Oh! And sleep 6-8 hours a day, and no more.

LESSON #3: How to Identify People That are Bad for You (so you can avoid them):

Some people (*cough* me) can be too understanding, too accommodating, too empathic, too forgiving, too open minded… I give people more trust than they deserve, and give people the benefit of the doubt while blinding myself to all the red flags. And in the end, those I loved and trusted most with my heart and life lied to me, used me, cheated on me, stole from me, and threatened my life. There’s lots of these people, and I used to think identifying them was difficult, until now.

Identify one thing they are significantly unhappy with, and then:
1) find out how they believe they got in that situation,
2) look at how they are actively dealing with it.
3) examine how long it takes for them to find healing from it (effort=results)

Are they healing from it? Are they growing from it? Where are they in the process of healing? How long have they been there? You must know that healing requires time, a LOT of hard work (emotional and physical), DAILY active attention (commitment to developing new habits, getting rid of old habits, etc.), and endless humility (admitting we are wrong to ourselves and others, and changing).

Examine their attitude toward their hardship. Are they bitter? Blaming? Complaining but not doing anything effective or positive to resolve the situation? Do they cover up their pain? Do they escape or avoid it? Do they drink it away or drown it in other addictive behaviors? Does this pattern repeat in other areas of their life? Watch carefully.

This is so important, because if you ever become a perceived problem, in any way, whatsoever, big or small, that’s how they will deal with you as well. That’s how they deal with life. Run from these people. It’s not worth it.

LESSON #4: LET IT GO, You CAN’T Make Sense Out of NONSENSE

Some things don’t make any sense because they aren’t supposed to make any sense. We can spend countless hours, weeks, months, and years trying to understand why someone did something to us, and it will never make any sense. We suffer because we want it to make sense. This keeps us living in the past, and one immediate result is being imprisoned with remorse, guilt, shame, resentment, and bitterness.

You have ZERO control over the past.
That means that all the thinking in the world
won’t change a thing.

Keep your focus forward facing as you commit to being the best version of yourself possible.

If it’s meant to be it will be,
NO. MATTER. WHAT.
Never forget that.

Whether your goal in clinging to the past is to offer compassion and understanding, or just to get emotional closure, both require you to let go. Only when you let it go will you find freedom.

LET IT GO.

And the most important lesson I learned:
LESSON #5:  LOVE ALWAYS WINS

Life is full of curve balls and f*ed up people who do some REALLY, and unbelievably f*ed up things. Sickness, death, loss, breakups, divorce, betrayals… so many really, truly, sh*tty things are happening, unexpectedly, and randomly. You never know when it could be you. And when this pain comes knocking at your door, you will doubt the goodness in the world. You may even doubt yourself. There will be horrific people that make you doubt the goodness of humanity. You may be tempted to decide no one can be trusted, and close your heart to the world.

There will be moments that make you question
if this life is worth living.
It is.

Don’t let the darkness dim your light. Don’t let evil people dim your soul.

Don’t let hardship dim your faith.
If you do, darkness wins.
And you’re bigger and better and brighter than all of that.
Never doubt the power of your light, no matter how dark it gets.
Keep shining.

Do whatever you need to do to keep your light shining. Love always wins. Let love prevail. The seed you plant now will grow in time AND unfortunately (because that’s how love works) you will likely NOT be there to witness it in its final blossom… but the whole world will be better because of YOU. So love truly, wholly, love bravely, love unconditionally. LOVE ALWAYS WINS. Never forget that.

#LoveAlwaysWins #LetLovePrevail

There exists a gap between who we are and who we believe we should be. Who we are is our “real self” (how we think, act, and look), and who we think we should be is our “ideal self” (who we would like to be).

Now… take a moment to stop reading and pinch yourself really hard. Do you feel pain? THAT is your real self. The YOU that can feel and experience pain. There’s nothing wrong with that. That doesn’t make you weak, and it doesn’t make you strong if you said it doesn’t hurt. It’s simply who you are.

Now… when those we love betray us, if we are honest with ourselves… yes…we hurt… Do you feel that? That is you who feels sadness, disappointment, anger, jealousy, and insecurity.

When we accomplish great things, we feel great! This is you who feels joy and pride for achieving goals. Our “real self” is not “bad” or “good”. It’s just who we are to our CORE. The one behind the mask. It is YOUR responsibility to know fully and embrace that person behind the mask.

And for many, accepting who we really are is difficult. It is difficult because we are constantly comparing who we are *now* with who we think we *should be* and USUALLY there’s a BIG GAP.

So we keep hiding who we are from those we love and care the most about (and sometimes even harbor unspoken and subconscious resentment towards them because we feel we can’t be ourselves around them), and this is a big reason why relationships fail. We are afraid to be REAL.

What’s more complicating is the fact that both our real self and our ideal self will change throughout our lives: the real self changes when we overcome challenges that bring us closer to our ideal self (this is GOOD!); our ideal self changes through culture, family, and environment (this could be good or bad depending on several factors).

In relationships, we tend to initially show up as closely to our ideal self as possible. We want to show our loved ones how wonderful we can, and want to be. As a child this got us attention and affection. As time goes by, however, parts of our real self start to show up. If we are loved unconditionally, this feels wonderful! If we aren’t… it can end up feeling like a shit show…

Our loved ones start to see the truth: We don’t actually have our shit together as much as we let on. We aren’t as clean, organized, or patient as we led our partner to believe. Yes, our shit stinks. Yes, we have bad morning breath. Yes, we are insecure, vulnerable, impatient, and scared of getting hurt… the list goes on… We are human.

Eventually though, we stop acting and start being “real”. This is natural and expected. We shouldn’t take it as a betrayal to see the “real” self of our partner show up as we become closer. It’s a beautiful unfolding!

What we should be paying attention to though, is the gap between the real self and the ideal self. How far is that gap between who our partner led us on to believe, and who they actually are? To be fair, YOU need to also consider how far that gap is between who YOU lead your partner on to believe, and who YOU *actually* are.

Ideally, you want that gap to be as minimal as possible so that as your relationship develops, your partner knows what they are getting into, and you allow your partner to know what they are signing up for. Embracing the “realness” can be a beautiful thing when the gap is small, and a HORRIFIC NIGHTMARE if the gap is large.

A smooth transition when the gap is small is usually a sign of a healthy relationship. The worst relationship is when the person you thought you were with turns out to be VERY different from who you thought they were (or vice versa). That will either require a very bumpy transition or the end of the relationship.

BUT.. whether we are in a relationship or not, our internal struggles (what make us feel crappy, insecure, inadequate, angry, etc.) usually stems from the GAP between who we are (are real self) and who we think we should be (our ideal self). Something inside us desires congruence between the two contrasting pieces of ourselves and if it is INCONGRUENT, we suffer internally. This suffering can spill over any potential for a true, meaningful relationship.

The closer we get to our ideal self, the happier we are with ourselves and with our lives. The problem with becoming closer to our ideal self is two fold: 1) You have to embrace your REAL self, know who that is, and accept it. And 2) the environment in which we place ourselves in will have a HUGE affect on who your “ideal self” is. We must be clear about who we are and where we came from. Is our environment congruent with the ideal person we see ourselves to be? Does our environment nurture and support us to become the person we aspire to be?

Carl Rogers originally came up with this theory, arguing that we behave the way we do based on how we perceive our situations. This is why our environment means so much. Who do we surround ourselves with? You will be just like the people you spend the most time with.

If we were to compare ourselves to flowers,
what soil are we allowing our roots to embed themselves in?

Read that again.

The point is, the distance between who you want to be and who you really are is going to be the source of your suffering or joy, and YOU get to choose ALL OF IT. YOU get to pick how you’re gonna feel about anything that happens to you in your life. YOU get to pick where you spend your time. YOU get to pick the person you want to be, and YOU get to pick how you’re gonna get there. And where you are RIGHT now, and how you feel RIGHT now… it’s all on YOU.

These days I’ve been struggling in my relationship with Reality. Reality doesn’t do the things I want it to. Reality doesn’t tell me the things I want to hear. Sometimes I think Reality is intentionally punishing me. Oftentimes, Reality will even take things away from me that I really wanted to hold on to. Sometimes I wonder if our relationship is one-sided because every time I try to argue with Reality, I always lose, 100% of the time. Reality never apologizes. It just is…unapologetically Reality.

One of the biggest reasons I struggle with having a meaningful relationship with Reality is that I’ve lied to myself, telling myself that if I’m friends with Reality then I can’t also be friends with, “My Ideals and Preferences”.

Notice “My Ideals and Preferences” goes by a much longer name… she’s so complicated, always changing, and sometimes she just seems to be all over the place… Reality is so much simpler, but so stubborn. These two rarely get along because they clash so much, yet both are such an important part of me. I end up having to be the middle man, trying to help them come to a peaceful resolution, and that is not an easy task.

“My Ideals and Preferences” tells me Reality is mean and ugly. Reality tells me “My Ideals and Preferences” are the cause of my suffering. Both demand that I pick one.

To be honest, I like hanging out with “My Ideals and Preferences” more than “Reality” because “My Ideals and Preferences” make me feel justified in doing and thinking what I do. In fact, I can usually get away with a lot of stuff that isn’t good for me by listening to “My Ideals and Preferences”. Unfortunately, this causes a lot of conflict with my personal relationships, my professional relationships, my career, my family, my children, and can sometimes negatively affect my physical health.

That’s when I realize that maybe “Reality” isn’t that bad after all, even if I’m not seeing or getting what “My Ideals and Preferences” gives me.

When I embrace Reality, Reality helps me come up with realistic, effective, and long-term solutions to my problems. Reality helps me see things as they are, which enables me to deal with life much more effectively. Reality is quite different from My Ideals and Preferences, but what I’ve come to realize is, Reality is actually much kinder than the story My Ideals and Preferences say it is.

However, “My Ideals and Preferences” will always have a special place in my heart. My Ideals and Preferences remind me who I am, encourage me, motivate me, and make me feel brave when pursuing the unknown. She also reminds me to take good care of myself when Reality gets to be a bit too overwhelming…

It’s on me to make this relationship a healthy one, even if it is a complicated one.

Up until recently I used to think self-respect meant not allowing people to walk all over you. That approach required quite a lot of unearned arrogance and pride, a closed mind, and very little space for humility. That didn’t get me far…

Now I realize that self-respect is a healthy balance of seeing what needs to be fixed within me and changing it to be the best version of myself. But this comes coupled with a confidence and contentment knowing I am good enough, doing the best I can, and am right where I should be.

Ultimately, I recognized that self-respect meant me being genuinely honest with myself, and not allowing anyone’s attitude or behavior toward me affect how I feel about me. It meant not letting someone or something lead me to act with questionable dignity and integrity.

Self-respect isn’t easy!! 😂