It had been five days since he broke up with me, and the first weekend of my being alone. Fortunately, I had some exciting activities planned (activities we were supposed to do together) to keep my mind off being alone. I was driving to the Halloween party when I had passed places we used to go. In fact, the party was close to his house. My mind was thinking, “I wonder what he’s doing right now” and my creative side got the best of me and assumed he was out getting laid by anyone he could possibly sleep with. That’s the kind of person I had belittled him to after tearing my heart apart- a promiscuous selfish man afraid to process emotions and filling it with physical pleasures instead. “Wow! What a judgmental person I am!” I quickly realized.
I began to feel the center of my chest, my arms, and shoulders get tense. Center of my chest? That’s not my heart… Isn’t heartbreak in the heart? What is this feeling? Ahah! It’s jealousy… a profound jealousy for a situation that may or may not have any logical or realistic foundation whatsoever. But the feeling was there, and it didn’t feel good. Definitely not “loving” at all.
Suddenly I remembered a book I had read, “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz.
“There are two main sources of our emotions: One is fear, and all the emotions that come from fear; the other is love, and all the emotions that come from love.”
Interestingly, he states that the “Normal kind of relationship in this world is based 95% on fear and 5% on love” (depending on the people).
He goes on to explain all kinds of love/fear scenarios such as obligations, expectations, respect, ruthlessness, compassion, pity, responsibility, kindness, anger, sadness, and jealousy. Recognizing the feeling I was having was that of being betrayed, lied to, humiliated, I also recognized that I had a bit of jealousy going on too (Well, maybe more than just a little…)
According to Don Miguel Ruiz, “anger is nothing but fear with a mask- jealousy is fear with a mask.” He goes on to explain that “In love, there are no conditions. I love you for no reason, with no justification. I love you the way you are, and you are free to be the way you are. We don’t have the right to change anyone else.” It was then that I realized jealousy isn’t love…
But I love him! How can I feel jealous if I love him? It was time to get some serious healing done. But how? The only way I knew how…by conquering that fear.
So I sat in the car and carefully, and with detail, tried to imagine observing him falling in love with another person, and being truly happy, or even just being promiscuous but living his life just the way he chose, and me, genuinely being happy for him, knowing and trusting that he has a clear path- his own path, and he deserves to live the way he wants, even if that didn’t include me.
Abraham Hicks also speaks on this idea in her speech “How to Truly Love”. She said, “Don’t look at love that is focused at you. Look at love that is focused through you. Rather than saying to someone, ‘I want you to love me’, real love is about being able to say, ‘I love the feeling of loving you! I love loving you! And it doesn’t matter if you come to me or not. I LOVE LOVING YOU!”
I do love him…well, I think I do… “He deserves happiness,” I thought to myself. “I wish for him great happiness. He deserves freedom. He deserves to feel passion, excitement, warmth of another person next to him. He deserves to feel loved, appreciated, respected, just the way he is. He deserves the freedom to make all his decisions and act just the way he wants, without criticism. He deserves an amazing life, not because of anything he’s ever done right, but because he’s human. Just like me…
And he deserves all of that…just…like…me…”
And it was then that I realized that I too, deserve all of that. I too, deserve and want to be happy. I too, want to go about living my life filling it with things that make me truly happy. So why am I not letting myself be happy? I was about to give up dancing for him, because I was afraid to see him in the dance community! That would have been the stupidest thing I could ever do to myself… Grieving is a process, but within reason. I needed to get back to loving myself.
Some people call this kind of thinking/meditation “metta meditation” and for me, I just wanted to stop being afraid of the feelings that came with the breakup. After all, how could I heal without it? Right? I realized that the greatest physical pain in breaking up was the tension and sadness, not even the loss itself, but the true challenge was in facing my fears of feeling ALL OF IT.
In Metta Meditation (i.e., Loving Kindness Meditation) you start with yourself. I didn’t do that. I started with him. But it was through starting with him that I realized I was just as worthy.
May I be happy just as I am.
May I be peaceful with whatever is happening.
May I be healthy and strong.
May I care for myself in this ever-changing world graciously, joyously.
Here’s a resource if you want to learn more about this:
Here’s a cool guided meditation for this too, if you’re curious and don’t like reading: