Monthly Archives: December 2018

I am Joy

I like who I am. I like where I am in life. I like who I have become, and where I came from.

I’m proud of myself and all my accomplishments. I am my own best friend and number one fan. I did it. Instead of running away or numbing myself with distractions and pointless relationships, I leaned into the pain and found my strength. I overcame so much. It was a constant battle between body, mind, and soul, but when we finally started working together, as a result I finally met myself. I know who I am, at my core. And I love me!!

I have sat with myself for long periods of time, and I have gotten to know myself. I have spent much time alone. I have befriended myself and I can finally say I love myself. I enjoy being in my own company. I enjoy spending time alone, and yet I never feel alone.

I feel loved, supported, and truly cared for. I am my own source of motivation and strength. I feel seen, heard, and understood. I feel safe. I feel like my own hero.

And yet my arms, mind, and heart remain open. I welcome those that come into my life and I wish only peace and joy for those that choose to leave.

Every day is a miracle, and one in which I have absolute and complete control over how I choose to live and behave in. I can choose love or I can chose behaviors that are not reflective of love. I choose love over, and over, and over again.

I am love.

I am the love that is indestructible. I am the love that changes the world. I am the love that brings peace to the heart and soul. I am content.

I am brave. I am resilient. I am strong. And my love never dims. Never quits. Never gives up. My light never fades. I am a peaceful warrior of light and love. I bring hope to this world.

My purpose is fulfilled every day as I live one day at a time, one moment at a time, striving to show up as the best version of myself.

I listen to my intuition and am guided by source. This is love and I chose it in every moment of every day.

When my soul is weary I rest. When I am tired I ask for help. I am loved, and I love.

I am JOY.

Embracing the Suck

Only when we admit we do not know, can we open up the possibility of truly Knowing.

This post comes from a very vulnerable place. I’ve recently experienced a significant loss in my life that I have never experienced before, and it hurts. I’m 6 weeks into the loss and I’m showing no sign of improvement. The pain won’t go away. My heart is heavy. My tears are unending. I’m feeling…enormous grief and depression and I can’t shake it. I’m so sad…

I thought I had the tools to deal with this kind of loss. I used every tool in my toolbox.

  • talked to therapist
  • talked to sponsor
  • talked to friends
  • talked to God (pray)
  • meditated
  • cry it out
  • drink it off
  • distraction (social media)
  • expand my social circle (go out and make new friends)
  • do things that inspire me
  • do things that uplift me
  • do things that challenge me
  • take a hot bath
  • write / journal / blog
  • read inspirational books
  • watch funny  movies
  • listen to music that brings me joy / inspires me
  • listen to music that makes me want to dance
  • take myself out on dates
  • make new friends / meet new people
  • make myself a wonderfully delicious meal
  • smudge (yeah, smudge) my house with sage to remove negative energies
  • decorate the house with “magical crystals”
  • decorate myself with “magical crystals”
  • bury myself in work
  • volunteer around my community
  • donate stuff I don’t need or use
  • be present
  • take the kids out and have fun
  • quality time with people I love
  • drink lots of water (lots and LOTS of water).
  • take my vitamins
  • dance!
  • learn something new (guitar!)
  • practice gratitude
  • play piano
  • sing!
  • sleep… lots and lots of sleep.
  • drink delicious hot tea…
  • go running (get those endorphins up!!)
  • keep up on my exercise! (taking good care of my body)
  • affirmations…
  • surrender it all (give it to God).
  • say “hello” to the feelings; greet them, embrace them, and accept them.
  • make direct amends
  • sit in the suck…
  • breathe it all in…
  • Dig deep and find the “blesson” (blessing + lesson) in all of it.
  • reflect and learn from my mistakes
  • listen to advice (asked for or not) and take it!
  • got down on my hands and knees with snot running out of my nose and tears swelling my eyes begging God to remove this pain from my life…
  • Listen to Binaural Beats
  • Hypnosis and listening to subliminal messaging to “get over it”
  • Shockingly cold showers to “snap me out of it”.
  • Punish myself
  • Ruminate on where I could have done better
  • Blame the other person for where they failed..
  • Understand “it could be worse”
  • Forgive.
  • Offer compassion.

The list goes on…

I tried everything. Six weeks in and my sadness and grief refuses to leave me. I was left with only one conclusion: Embrace the Suck.

This sucks. It’s supposed to suck. And it will suck in all its glorious suckiness. No amount of my saying how much it sucks will make it less suckier. It just sucks. Plain and simple. No, it’s not plain, and it’s not simple. It’s horrible. I hate it. And it will continue to be horrible…until… it isn’t.

And that hope; that faith that one day it won’t suck anymore… that’s what somehow gets me through.

embrace the suck

The Magic of Faith & Showing Up As Our Best Version

There’s a fascinating magic that happens when we trust the Universe. This magic works best when we place our energy onto showing up in every moment as the best version of ourselves. When we diligently commit to this (even when were crushed, beat, and have zero hope or motivation) we start to see an inspiring progress in our mind, bodies, and souls, that just makes us feel good about who we are and what we’ve become. Each time we do this, our heart muscles grow stronger, making each new challenge in life a little less overwhelming or scary.

This grace lovingly prepares us for what’s to come. Many of us have been broken and bruised so badly that we have zero faith in the beginning; all we have is this strong desire to feel better, and sometimes it is only this desperation that gets us to actually do the work. At least that’s how it worked for me.

After trying various methods of “life management” including some truly shameful and horrendous techniques like trying to manipulate, lie to, or control other people, the Universe had a special gift for me: crush that belief by taking everything away until I was completely lost, alone, and powerless. You see, it turns out, people don’t like being manipulated, lied to, or controlled by anyone. People like being loved, accepted, and valued. It took me way too long to figure that out…

Being a control freak was all I knew. It was the tool I used to protect myself from abuse and emotional traumas as a child. Giving up this sense of power felt like a threat to my existence. Only now can I laughingly admit that I used to think that I knew what was best for myself (and others). But as I slowly let go and surrendered to the Universe, I was pleasantly surprised at how my life unfolded in ways I couldn’t have ever imagined, and in so many positive ways. Life was actually starting to feel “free” and lighter for the first time; and that required letting go of my desire to control the outcome.

Ironically, the only way to get this faith, is by taking that one step forward. One step at a time. One day at a time. Eventually, we make a little progress, which builds upon our faith: faith that we can trust the Universe, and faith that without grasping and clinging and attaching to our need to control the outcome of our inevitably changing, uncertain life, everything is going to work out just fine.

As we courageously move forward, our faith becomes equivalent to unwavering confidence, and this confidence is priceless. What we come to see is that focusing on just showing up as the best version of ourselves in every moment and trusting the Universe  life doesn’t get better; WE get better at living it.

Of course when we are in a state of anxiety, or worry, we cannot see or think clearly. But when we remain focused on just being and doing the best we can in each moment, we begin to see more clearly. We think more clearly. But we never forget that we will always have more to learn, and that our vision is never going to be 100%. We begin to love more boldly. We are braver and more courageous. We become curious about these mysterious gifts (i.e., learning opportunities). We have unwavering faith and confidence in ourselves and our ability to overcome and pull through.

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We begin to understand that it’s about being grateful for, and finding meaning in ALL of it. We know very well that life is NOT about being perfect. We learn to embrace and love ourselves completely, and in turn we learn to embrace and love others completely as well. Through this new-found clarity and love, we understand and trust that everything in our life is unfolding exactly as it is meant to be, exactly when it is meant to be.

This brings a sense of calmness and peace, even when our life is inevitably experiencing ups and downs, and because of this faith and peace, we have so much more energy to put into the more important things in life, like truly loving another person, and being of service, helping others, bringing hope, joy, and just living in the moment, because that is the only thing we actually have control over: how we are living right now in this moment. So make this moment a good one.