Only when we admit we do not know, can we open up the possibility of truly Knowing.
This post comes from a very vulnerable place. I’ve recently experienced a significant loss in my life that I have never experienced before, and it hurts. I’m 6 weeks into the loss and I’m showing no sign of improvement. The pain won’t go away. My heart is heavy. My tears are unending. I’m feeling…enormous grief and depression and I can’t shake it. I’m so sad…
I thought I had the tools to deal with this kind of loss. I used every tool in my toolbox.
- talked to therapist
- talked to sponsor
- talked to friends
- talked to God (pray)
- cry it out
- drink it off
- distraction (social media)
- expand my social circle (go out and make new friends)
- do things that inspire me
- do things that uplift me
- do things that challenge me
- take a hot bath
- write / journal / blog
- read inspirational books
- watch funny movies
- listen to music that brings me joy / inspires me
- listen to music that makes me want to dance
- take myself out on dates
- make new friends / meet new people
- make myself a wonderfully delicious meal
- smudge (yeah, smudge) my house with sage to remove negative energies
- decorate the house with “magical crystals”
- decorate myself with “magical crystals”
- bury myself in work
- volunteer around my community
- donate stuff I don’t need or use
- be present
- take the kids out and have fun
- quality time with people I love
- drink lots of water (lots and LOTS of water).
- take my vitamins
- learn something new (guitar!)
- practice gratitude
- play piano
- sleep… lots and lots of sleep.
- drink delicious hot tea…
- go running (get those endorphins up!!)
- keep up on my exercise! (taking good care of my body)
- surrender it all (give it to God).
- say “hello” to the feelings; greet them, embrace them, and accept them.
- make direct amends
- sit in the suck…
- breathe it all in…
- Dig deep and find the “blesson” (blessing + lesson) in all of it.
- reflect and learn from my mistakes
- listen to advice (asked for or not) and take it!
- got down on my hands and knees with snot running out of my nose and tears swelling my eyes begging God to remove this pain from my life…
- Listen to Binaural Beats
- Hypnosis and listening to subliminal messaging to “get over it”
- Shockingly cold showers to “snap me out of it”.
- Punish myself
- Ruminate on where I could have done better
- Blame the other person for where they failed..
- Understand “it could be worse”
- Offer compassion.
The list goes on…
I tried everything. Six weeks in and my sadness and grief refuses to leave me. I was left with only one conclusion: Embrace the Suck.
This sucks. It’s supposed to suck. And it will suck in all its glorious suckiness. No amount of my saying how much it sucks will make it less suckier. It just sucks. Plain and simple. No, it’s not plain, and it’s not simple. It’s horrible. I hate it. And it will continue to be horrible…until… it isn’t.
And that hope; that faith that one day it won’t suck anymore… that’s what somehow gets me through.