There is nothing more easy than to lean in to our partner during our moments of joy and bask in the glorious feelings of LOVE. But in a moment of conflict, we are left feeling distant, disconnected, disappointed, and often bitter. To be able to lean into those moments is a skill that takes practice, but the result is a strengthening of our own personal resiliency, the resiliency of our relationship, and an increase in our understanding of real LOVE, and an increase in our capacity to love deeper.
To run away from that precious moment is to run away from an opportunity to exercise our heart muscles and learn how to love better.
What if in those moments, with all the strength and courage we can manage to muster, we lean in and BE loving instead of pull back? What does LOVE look and feel like in those moments?
In those moments, treat the conflict as an opportunity to open space in our heart to really hold our loved one in all their entirety, allowing them to be with us in all of their flaws, mistakes, and disappointing behavior. Rather than punish them for disappointing us, and rather than try to “fix” them, or change them, or prove our point, or make them wrong and us right, what if we just opened our heart up a little more and allowed our Love to simply be who they are in that moment?
To be vulnerable in front of our Love in that moment, we fear we will be hurt. We put our guard up and get on the defensive. We justify our behavior or belief and make them wrong and ourselves right. We demand they see things our way. Yet ironically our loved one is deeply desiring, “if only my partner could see things my way…”
What if instead of armoring up to defend ourselves, our opinions, or our desired outcome, we spent all that energy remembering the Love we have for this person? In that moment of remembering Love, our hearts and minds open, and often open just enough to allow our Loved one to also feel safe enough to put their shield down as well. That is when the magic happens.
What we often mistakenly believe in those moments (and what crushes our opportunity to lean in to Love) is that just because we open our hearts and mind and lean in toward our loved one, doesn’t mean we can’t still acknowledge our own pain and disappointment in our loved one’s behavior. We blindly think that if we let our partner be right, then it will mean we are wrong or that our pain is not real or justified. We can still be justified and feel the very real pain we are feeling, and STILL respond in a loving way that brings us together rather than pull us apart.
We want to trust that our loves will not disappoint us, but the fact is we can only trust that our partners will always show up exactly as who they are: both wonderful and flawed. This is the nature and beauty of having someone share their life with us. We too bring both our wonderful and flawed selves to the relationship.
If you are so blessed to have someone choose to share their life with you, cherish it.